I haven't talked about our adoption journey lately here on my blog, but it is very much a part of my daily thoughts and prayers. We also pray about it as a family everyday. We still do not have any foster children in our home, but we are waiting and hoping. I know that God has a plan for our family and He is showing me that if I will trust Him and take baby steps of obedience, He will lead us. He knows where we are going, I just have to hold on to His hand and trust His lead.
I've heard people say over the years, that once you step out in faith, God does the rest. I have seen this played out in my own life over and over the past few months. We have never done this before and are walking blindly most of the time. God continues to lead us ahead little by little. I hope that the point will come that I can openly share all the crazy ways that God is working and what He's doing in our life, but let it suffice to say He has already begun to work out all the details.
When we began this process of fostering to adopt, I would tell people that we were not going to bring any child into our home unless God had given us a definite peace and even a sign. I jokingly said that they would practically have to have JESUS written on their forehead and that I would need to feel such a peace about bringing them into our home that it would be as if I was leaving my own child out in the weather. An unexplainable love is already growing inside of me for these babies, just as my love for my first two babies started while they were still in my womb and I did not know them yet. God has showed up in so many ways, and in each instance that I realize He is working, I see the etching of JESUS become darker and darker. He promised me at the beginning of this process that He would not leave me. He is keeping that promise.
I wrestled with God for almost a year as I began to feel His calling toward adoption. I told Him every reason why it was not a good idea and why it was too risky. There is one day in particular that stands out in my mind. I was putting away laundry in Carson's room as my children were playing together in a different room. I could hear their sweet little voices as they played (they do occasional play together nicely--ha!) and unknown to anyone else a struggle was going on inside of me between me and God. As I quietly folded and put away laundry, I told Him how much I love my children and that there was no way that I could love a child that I did not birth as much as them. I concluded that it would be unfair to a child to bring them into our family, because Tori and Carson would always be my favorites. I remember shutting the dresser drawer, in my mind shutting the doors to that idea. The problem was that God just kept opening that drawer back up! :)
Awhile back a friend who has also adopted through foster care was sharing with me a little of her story. She and her husband have three biological sons and then their youngest is adopted. She told me how the love for her adopted son is so strong that she sometimes feels it is stronger than that of the three that she birthed. She often wondered how that could be and then someone told her that it was simply because she had been obedient and God had blessed with her an unexplainable love for her new son.
One morning as I was praying I began to be concerned that I would love my new children more than my biological children. I began asking God to please allow me to keep the strong bond and love that I have with my first two as our family continues to grow. That's when it hit me-----wow, what a long way God has brought me in one year. I went from assuring God that I could not love a child as much as my own to pleading with Him to not allow me to forget my existing children as I feel this new love grow. God has been busy doing some serious changing in my heart!!
I know that even once we bring children into our home I will not be able to share openly about them here, for safety reasons. I hope though, that someone will be able to take my generalizations and use them for good in their own life. God may not be calling you to adopt, but whatever He is calling you to do, if you are willing to take the risk and step out on faith, He will catch you. Once we hand over the reins, God has control of the ride.....and man, it's going to be exciting!!
